im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
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I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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