Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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