Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"