i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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