she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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