My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
