Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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