My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
