right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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