I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
