I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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