I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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