I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
