Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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