i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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