Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
