i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
