i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
