Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
