you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
