There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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