I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
