If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
