captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
