my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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