Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
