so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
