Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
