then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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