If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
