after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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