even my farts smell like vagina
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
