I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Drunk is not a location!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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