wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
