Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
