I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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