I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
