haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
