I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
