Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
