Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
