So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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