i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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