Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
