you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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