god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
