Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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