She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
