No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
