Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
