hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Plan B is the new Plan A
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
