I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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