You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Drunk is not a location!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
