so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
