Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
