our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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