I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Randomize
