if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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