Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
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The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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