it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
